Failed projects. Broken collaborations. Loss of income. Employees who suddenly quit. We deal with disappointment in countless ways throughout our careers. Sometimes, we can shake it off. Sometimes, we wrestle with it for weeks, months, or even years. However, the lessons learned from these losses are often priceless.
There is one particular type of disappointment that I find to be the most sticky: the death of potential. Many years ago, as a part-time life coach, I noticed that my clients struggled to end romantic relationships because they had a dream about what the relationship could be. They might be suffering in a hundred other ways, but they couldn’t give up the fantasy of possibility.
This can be true in any area of life. Let’s take the example of a failed project. For most of us (myself included), the project itself isn’t that hard to let go of. Life moves on, and we’ll do something else. But if we’ve invested our hearts and minds in the project, then we’re left with dreams and emotional energy… and now what? We don’t have good structures in our society to help us process the death of potential.
One company where I worked as an executive coach and facilitator used to hold yearly rituals to honor the deaths of failed or discontinued projects. Just like a memorial service for a person, it allowed employees to process and grieve collectively. They spoke about the highs and lows, including what they learned from their projects.
Since most companies don’t support this kind of ritual, I want to share with you some tools and perspectives that my clients and I have used in the past to cope with disappointment and the death of potential.
1. Name the Loss
Simply identifying that you are wrestling with the death of potential is a significant first step, and most of my clients experience it as relief. When you understand what you’re dealing with, you can begin to take care of yourself (or your team) in whatever way you need.
2. Make Space for Productive Feels
If you have emotions about the loss, you’re not going to escape them; they are built into your human body. You might as well consciously work with them. I’m not saying it won’t get messy – messy is part of emotion’s jam – but you can create appropriate containers for the messiness to express freely, much like preparing a canvas for painting.
I call it “productive feels” because some part of this is simply necessary. Wallowing is not. What’s the difference? When you are moving and releasing emotion, you feel better and freer afterwards. It’s productive because you’re allowing your body to go through its necessary process. You’re not attaching yourself to the feelings; you’re allowing them to be, learning what you need to learn, processing what you need to process, and letting them go.
In contrast, when you’re wallowing, you’re stuck in a stagnant pool of emotion, going over the same thoughts or feelings repeatedly. It’s a spiral downward and you feel like crap. It doesn’t help you move forward.
To keep emotional expression healing and useful, be intentional and create the right outlets for processing. Talk to colleagues and friends, cry, go after a punching bag, journal, or call your coach (I’ll be there for you!). I usually need to talk to my peeps and then go on a long hike by myself. Whatever works for you is great. But just do something that tends to the emotional brain. I often think of grief as a river that has to move, and it’s not done until it’s done. So let the emotions move their way through you.
3. Engage in Acts of Letting Go
As I mentioned earlier, rituals can be incredibly useful for our minds, emotions, and bodies when facing disappointment and the death of potential. Taking some symbolic action can help you let go and move on. You can do this alone or with others; you can do it through visualization, storytelling, or with physical objects.
Examples to give you ideas:
- One client took the logo of his startup and buried it in the ground.
- Another client visualized a failed business partnership and put the whole experience in an imaginary river and watched it float away.
- Another client wrote out all her hopes and dreams on a sheet of paper and put it in the fire, and watched it dissolve.
- A friend recently hosted a memorial service for a business that failed. It was part humorous and part serious. They celebrated, laughed, talked about all they learned, all the reasons they were glad it failed, and all the aspects that were tragic about it.
You can be creative about this. And though it might feel silly at first, you might be surprised at how healing it can be. Your rational/logical mind may not need these rituals. But the rest of your brain does.
4. Consider a Blameless Post-Mortem
Without judgment towards you or anyone on your team, review the project, relationship, etc., and harvest every single lesson you can from it. Hard times come to us for a reason, and they don’t have to be a waste. They shape us and teach us, often more than the easy times do. What are the lessons you are learning from this failure of potential?
5. Recognize Failed Potential As Fertilizer
My storytelling professor in college said, “Every story that doesn’t make the cut becomes fertilizer for the next one.” I’ve learned that this applies to anything creative, or maybe even anything we do in life. Whatever doesn’t work out is something we learn from and ultimately fosters and feeds the next creative project.
6. Now Embrace Your Present and Future Potential
After letting go and harvesting lessons, most people begin to form a clearer view of what they want next. You don’t have to rush this; you won’t get the best clarity if you do. Instead, trust that you know when you’re ready to dream about and embrace the next thing. You’ll crave it from an empowered place, not from a place of grief or loss.
There are so many ways to cope with disappointment. I respect my clients, friends, and colleagues who’ve experienced significant failure, learned, and grown from it. For me, failed projects have often been significant clues that open new paths for my career. What has failure catalyzed for you? What are the ways that you have processed disappointment, death of potential, or failure? I’d love to hear about it.
And thanks for reading! As always, if you know someone who could benefit, please forward this to them! Thanks.
If you need more attuned 1:1 support, schedule a session. New clients can start with a 30-min free intro session. I look forward to connecting with you.